For My Dad on Father's Day

Yesterday (June 20) I was taking BART up to San Francisco to hear The Brazen Hussies reading at SF in SF.

I was listening to some family tapes that I had digitized on my iphone and that I should get on CD and send to my dad and sisters.

I'm a toddler on the tapes and both parents are singing and reading with me - in the past I tended to fixate more on my mom's voice because I don't have her here in the world any more (she sings "Sweetheart, Sweetheart" and tells me she wouldn't trade me for a million dollars, and we sing "Plop, Plop, Fizz Fizz" and other stuff).

But I also can hear how much my dad loves me as well. He's actually on the tapes more than my mom - it seems like my mom is off in another room for parts of the time, since I can hear her distantly talking, but it's my dad who is directly interacting with me for a lot of it.

And I hear his love for language and his hope that I will also enjoy it as much -- in all the poems he has me repeat (such as "There was a crooked man, who walked a crooked mile...").
And stories he read to me on the tapes.

It's such a warm and familiar voice and I realize that this is probably the most familiar voice that I can currently still hear live. It's a voice I've heard literally all my life, and he still sounds so much the same, even now.

And it's a voice I don't hear often enough because I don't call him regularly, or hook up the webcam I got from work so we can video skype. (although I did do that today for Father's Day and it was quite fun).

After dinner when I get to the reading, I'm pretty relaxed before Lisa Goldstein kicks it off with the first story, which is in the first person and from a male perspective, which she says is new to her.

I've never heard this story before of course, and I've only just met Lisa an hour prior, but when she starts reading, I feel like I am suddenly at home.

Something kind of primal takes over - "listening to a story = safe at home with people who love me".
And the story itself is really really good - which accounts for quite a bit of this feeling...but the other part I realize is that I am so familiar with this and it's such a positive experience for me. And that started with my dad and my mom reading to me at an early age.

I settled down into the Variety Preview Room seat as if it was a comfy armchair in a living room with people who love me...and I just relax and stop caring about anything I might have been worried about before....
I'm aware of this more acutely because I was listening to the "toddler story tapes" so recently on the train, and feeling the same feeling wash over me then.

During Pat's story, which is next, I am thinking about my dad even more because of the character's dad in the story.

I am also thinking about my mom after hearing her voice so recently, and wondering what it would be like if she were there with me. I think she would have also liked these women and these stories. Lots of good female energy in the room (Pat, Michaela, Lisa, Carrie, Rina, Ellen, etc) - but it's not the same as having my mom around or even being able to picture her properly.

There's an empty seat on the right next to me and I am trying to picture my mom sitting there. I can't really picture her physically very well anymore. I'm kind of using the memory of hanging out with Ginny, but then imagining her with Mom's face and hair (which is kind of wacky).

During the more emotional parts of Pat's story with her character's dad, I actually put my hand on the seat next to me as if I was holding on to my mom or my dad, whoever is there.

So many people, both the characters in the stories and in the discussions over dinner, are taking care of their aging parents now - or have recently lost them.

My dad might be hard to deal with sometimes now, but I want him to know that he is appreciated and loved, and that I'm so happy he's still around!